thankful

it's thanksgiving eve and here i sit at the computer. well, it's technically thanksgiving day (in the wee hours of the morning).

all technicalities aside, i am truly thankful this year...for so many things.

~for my health... over a year-and-a-half ago (closer to two), i discovered a lump/bump type thing on my breast. at first, i thought nothing of it; after all, i was not even 24 yet. i had youth in my favor. we didn't have health insurance at the time, either, so i didn't get it checked out. months went by, then a year. it hadn't changed in appearance, but it hadn't gone away, either. my concern had become constant worry which had turned into an all-consuming fear. you would think that fear would have propelled me to run to the doctor. we did have health insurance by the time my gripping dread had truly set in, but that didn't prompt me either. even memories of nanny dying of breast cancer didn't cause me to pick up the phone and make an appointment. i didn't tell anyone of my fear, except for my sisters and todd. the stronger the anxiety took hold of me, the more i pushed away any motivation to possibly be able to relieve some of that apprehension and trepidation. i'm not sure what it was that finally made me go to the doctor. after going to my gynecologist, a breast specialist, and a dermatologist, i came to understand that the dermatologist was the doctor i should have gone to see initially. it turns out that this little lump/bump is not a breast issue, but a skin issue, and one that can be taken care of with a prescription and some very expensive cream (covered by insurance...another thing to be thankful for). i unnecessarily spent nearly two years worrying. it affected me more than i realized. but i'm thankful that i finally went to the doctor, and i'm thankful for what i found out.

~for Todd, my amazing, steadfast, loving, brilliant, precious husband.

~for my mom and dad, who are so precious to me, for my sisters--my best friends--joanna and jennifer, for my brother john, nancy--my new sister--and for my new, beautiful niece, riley olivia, whom i will get to meet in just a few weeks.

~for my new job. i'm loving the little four-year-olds i work with in afterschool.

~for just finding out that i got accepted into graduate school! i'm so excited that i will be back in school in january, working toward my next goal of becoming a certified english teacher.

~for all the friends i made while working at truett's over the last year. for the lessons learned. for the things i discovered about myself...

~for the fact that we finally got done with our bedroom/bathroom renovations! it was a lot of hard work (mostly on todd's part) and it took a long time, but it was well worth it.

~for grace, mercy, and forgiveness. this is last, but certainly not least. there are a million more i could list, but these are at the forefront of my mind right now.

i'm about to go get in my comfortable, warm bed with my sweet husband. thank you, God, for the little things, such as the couple i just mentioned. :)

Maybe this time it's different...

I know a lot of things now that I didn't know before, and that's the problem.

All the stop signs, the red flags, the warning signals--those aforementioned things are quite apparent to me now.

So why do I now embark on this new journey? Why do I choose to set foot in this quicksand?

Am I a masochist? What do I stand to gain from purposely inviting more agony into my life? Why can't I learn?

All I keep seeing is this cross, similar to the one at the end of the chain I wear often around my neck. Somehow it beckons me; it cries out my name.

I begin running, but the harder I run, the further away it is, or seems. If I could just grasp it, just take hold of it, I could end this self-destruction.

I reach for it, wishing my arm to extend farther than it is able. I'm so close and, within a second, the cross is gone. Gone.

Jesus, keep me near the cross

There, a precious fountain

Free to all, a healing stream

Flows from Calvary's mountain

In the cross,

In the cross

Be my glory ever

Till my raptured soul shall find

Rest beyond the river

Rest. Peace. Relief. Remission. The end of self-destruction. The answer. Jesus.

THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.

Some of my favorite things right now...

1. Listening to the sound of the dryer going as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep... I guess the reason I love it is because I feel like I'm getting something important accomplished AND doing one of my faves: SLEEPING. :)

2. Laughing with Mo and Rebecca at work...I'm going to miss that. :(

3. Knowing a new job is just around the corner. :)

4. Listening to The Bert Show in the morning on the way to work while putting the final touches on my makeup and trying to wolf down some breakfast...

5. Dancing like crazy with no rhythm to rap/hip-hop and loving every second of it.

6. Going to Weight Watchers meetings on Saturday mornings with Mom and Bean and eating breakfast at Chick-fil-A afterwards...this is my number one fave right now...I LOVE it. :)

7. Hungrygirl.com and Hungry Girl cookbooks...my sanity while on Weight Watchers.

8. Coffee with French Vanilla or Hazelnut creamer.

9. Our beautiful newly remodeled bedroom/bathroom.

10. InStyle, Vogue, and Glamour magazines.

11. Shopping...but only if I find bargains. I will never pay full price. :)

12. Tuesday nights...exercising and watching 18 Kids and Counting with Bean.

13. Wearing Nanny's sweater and my comfy socks with PJ pants while doing something relaxing. :)

14. Meeting new people.

15. Going to Wal-Mart...always a favorite. :)

16. Trident triple-layer gum...yummy! :)

17. Pedicures...just got one the other day for the first time in months...DIVINE!! :)

18. Buying/wearing new jewelry.

19. Sade's "Lovers Rock" CD.

20. Hugs and sincere compliments.

Take Me Back, Oh, Take Me Back...

Take me back to that beautiful day in May.

Full of possibilities. Great excitement about the future. Eyes bright with my hopes and dreams.

My pounding heart and shaking knees as I walked across the stage.

Take me back. Oh, take me back.

Take me back to last summer.

New feelings discovered. Old bitterness tossed aside.

Revelations unveiled.

Take me back. Oh, take me back.

Take me back to that week in December.

Stressful, but so accomplished. So worth it, even with the last-minute fiasco.

Take me back. Oh, take me back.

Take me back to the beginning of the year.

A chance to start over.

A chance to change.

Take me back. Oh, take me back.

Take me back to April, May, and June.

All the emotions that surrounded me, including the elation I felt.

Take me back. Oh, take me back.

Take me back to that text.

The one to which I should never have responded.

The smile that I should never have returned.

The invitation to which I should NEVER have said "yes."

Take me back, oh, PLEASE, take me back.

Your wit, your charm, and your smile will never appeal to me again. Your words are meaningless. Your actions disgust me. I have seen you for what you are. You are exposed.

You think you can keep telling your lies? Maybe you can, to some other unsuspecting, gullible soul. To someone who wants to feel needed...to someone who thinks your empty vocabulary is only for her. I wish I could warn her.

Take me back to the day before I fell for you. Oh, PLEASE, take me back...

They Both Kept the Same Secret from Each Other...

He knew.

So did she.

It was killing him; equally, it was killing her.

Confession wanted to spill out from their souls...it tried in every way imaginable to come forth, to make its grand appearance, even attempting to claw its way out through the winding path from deepest secret to admission of guilt.

They both knew, so why didn't they tell?

The pain of bearing the hidden truth--the vulnerable revelation of their character--was great, too great, yet they buried their sins deeper. Thus, their unyielding concealments sank lower into the dank, dark, foreboding abyss of their insides...

What drove them? Would they tell? How many more lies could be produced?

The lies were nothing compared to the sickening churning they felt underneath the surface, the ache that no one else could see. This was the most heart wrenching part. The falsehoods, the smiles that masked the agony--these things were easy portrayals of happy human beings. Even their interactions with each other...

How long would they be able to keep it up? When would the nausea become vomiting? When would the churning become unbearable? When would the lies cease being easy to tell?

Time.

the seeping liquid coming from "the windows to the soul"...

Joy, Sadness, Excitement, Pain, Peeling Onions, Laughter, Hurt, Anger, Listening to a Glorious Melody, The Memory of Someone Who Has Passed Away, Betrayal...

Some of the many reasons for the wetness on our cheeks, the redness in our eyes, the sorrow in our hearts, the accompanying abdominal tightness when something is so hilarious we can't even see straight...

Our visible liquid emotions.

Sometimes it is just a tear that stays in the eye. Sometimes it is just a single tear that falls down one of our cheeks and we quickly wipe it away. Other times, it's many tears that deeply change the temporary appearance of our eyes, even messing up our mascara if we're women. Then, there are those times when the hurt is so deep, the ache is so strong, the pain is so real, the truth is so evident, and the fear is so realized that the tears rush down our faces with incredible strength and seeming unwillingness to cease.

We feel the tears running into our ears, coming from our noses, running down our necks...

Shaking us, causing us to convulse, causing our heads to feel as if they are going to explode.

Words can't be formed audibly.

The emotions are certainly evident from the "rain" coming from our faces, but the tears aren't enough. What's behind the tears is so...is so...HURTFUL, so destroying to our souls, that we can't do anything but cry--and possibly scream as we're sobbing--but there has to be more, more to express the depth of what we're feeling.

The tears finally subside, our voices are hoarse, and a deeper, more real, more numbing even, pain sets in. A release has taken place, but what is left in the wake of our tangible display of harsh emotion is intolerable and we suddenly miss the tears.

The Stubborn Weed

He is a feisty little fellow.

Coming up from the ground, higher and higher, much to my annoyance.

Seemingly, he cannot be stopped and continues to grow.

"Ha! I'll show you, once beautiful purple flowers that are now dying by the front door. I'm still ALIVE," he seems to shout with a reckless and haughty tone. "Just try to stop me!"

His ugliness becomes more apparent by the day. One more day of not mowing can't hurt, right?

Wrong.

Mr. Weed seems to have shot up ten feet the next morning when I walk out the door. "Ugh," I grumble as I stare at him once again. "Go away, you stupid weed...I will soon take you and your hideous friends out with my friend, Mr. Mower."

Finally, I make my way across the yard with the mower, so sure of myself, so happy I will take down the ugly, tall thing that has stared me in the face for several days now. I've removed--for now--several of his friends. Heading his way with his executioner, I can almost feel him mocking me. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..." Closer and closer I get. Finally, I run the mower over the arrogant beast.

After a brief feeling of accomplishment, I look to my dismay to realize that you can't keep a stubborn weed down. There he is, mocking me with all of his ugliness and gumption. I run the mower over him again, this time going backwards. He's still there...begging me to run over him again.

In the end, I always win, but not really. He just comes back in a few days. He really cannot be stopped. He's certainly not attractive, nor is he wanted. But I can't help noticing his determination.

Don't know if I have much else to say concerning the stubborn weed.

Hopefully, I will remember how I felt when I wrote this.

So many emotions...